THE ‘NEW JOB ANNOUNCEMENT POST
I’m thrilled to announce that I’ve joined the ‘Nobody Cares Capital Group’ as a new Emerging Market Muppet, here to spearhead the launch of a new strategy that I hope someone on LinkedIn, cares about as much as I do.
Having spent the last 23 years showing up but not really doing much work, I’ve been incredibly lucky to be surrounded by carefully picked fake work friends who’ve carried me through every job I’ve ever had, helping me fabricate my career aspirations, which I artistically pulled off during all 149 interviews rounds that took place for this new job.
This new role, I believe, starts a fresh chapter in my master plan of coasting by in the firm for the first couple of years, then building alliances to keep me in this position in which I’m so proud to post on LinkedIn
At ‘Nobody Cares Capital Group, I’m joining a team of professionals who are experts in watching the clock and pretending to care about the company’s vision, when in reality, it’s the salary, the bonuses, and the hope of catching the boss’s eye that drive us.
I’m sharing this on LinkedIn in the hopes of obtaining as many ‘ likes’ as possible and secretly wishing that my former bosses, who I know will never read this post, regret the day they let me go. Even though they probably don’t even remember me.
Wish me luck at ‘Nobody Cares Capital Group’, and do me a favor—like this post. I’ll be checking obsessively around 72,000 times a day, because I need to feel noticed.
THE ‘ I’M SPEAKING AT AN EVENT’ ANNOUNCEMENT
I’m beyond excited to announce that I’ve been invited to speak at this year’s “Nobody Cares Annual Conference” in Dubai. The thought of sitting on stage is going to do enormous things for my ego, and I can’t bloody wait.
Hopefully, I can make a few hand gestures in the vain hope that someone captures the moment, as it would make a great photo for my LinkedIn cover. The “Nobody Cares Annual Conference” will be filled with other mid-level executives like me, who just love a day out from the office, and who also secretly wish to be recognized later in the evening as ‘the guy from the stage talking about that uber interesting subject,’ but deep down, I know it’s not going to happen.
But watch out—because while on stage, I plan to casually mention some super influential/famous people ‘I was talking to last week’, while also making sure everyone in the audience knows I’m financially successful.
But whatever happens, I’ll make sure I believe, even if others don’t, that my pivotal role at this year’s conference was ‘unforgettable’, all while sitting cross-legged, projecting the image of someone who truly matters..
This year’s conference promises to be an unparalleled event, undoubtedly because I’m on the guest list. Despite my segment being scheduled for 18:15, I’m here on LinkedIn, hyping up the Nobody Cares Annual Conference. If you decide to come and manage to capture a flattering photo of me, please, come find me.
THE ‘VISITING ANOTHER OFFICE’ POST
I’ve had an incredible few days at our New York offices at Nobody Cares Executive Search. It’s not just about being in New York or the chance to rack up air miles flying business class and enjoying the airport lounge under the guise of working on my laptop—when, in reality, I’m scouting out tonight’s hotspots. I’m here for the diligent team at ‘Nobody Cares Executive Search’.
Despite the office not hitting their commission targets, my visit has a tougher agenda—part of my task is to let some of the team go. However, I couldn’t resist capturing a few shots in their office against the stunning New York backdrop and snapping some ‘team photos’ to signal to the market that Nobody Cares Executive Search is still in the game and deserves your business.
At Nobody Cares Executive Search, we’ll keep posting job listings on LinkedIn as part of what we call a ‘process,’ well aware that it serves no real purpose since we’re unlikely to review your application. Our focus is on fostering relationships with HR departments and our internal connections. At Nobody Cares Executive Search, returning calls to candidates isn’t our style, regardless of whether you like, comment, or repost our updates. Any effort to grab our attention benefits me more than it does you.
While I’m here enjoying my business trip in New York City at Nobody Cares Executive Search, don’t forget to check out my profile—I’ll be keeping an eye WHO is checking me out, while relaxing in the lounge.
THE HEADHUNTER POST
NEW ROLE
I’m on the hunt for an exceptional Operator to join a renowned firm in London, which, quite frankly, seems to be having a tough time finding the right candidate, having not found success with the more prominent, more successful headhunters (like those equally as useless as us- Nobody Cares Executive Search).
Feel free to reach out to me or my colleagues—Guy Dobson, Lawrence Humphries, Charles—at ‘ Nobody Knows Us Executive Search ‘. Rest assured, I’ll probably never return your call, even if you’re the perfect fit.
THE WELCOME TO THE TEAM POST
We’re thrilled at “Nobody Likes Us Ltd” to extend a warm welcome to our newest team member, Mr. James Palmer MSC, CFA, PhD, MFI, VIP, LOL, GTI Turbo, joining us in our Singapore office.
James, who’ll soon prefer to be called Jim, has brought a vast array of experience from his tenure at companies like “Nobody Here Ltd” and “No Clue Trust Ltd.”
There, he climbed the corporate ladder and became the ‘Leader of the Confirmations Department’ after 25 years of service, a position he talked about for over an hour in his interview.
Amassing a breadth of knowledge and skills that is guaranteed to take us to the heights of our industry, we’re totally thrilled to welcome ‘Jim’ and have him take on the role that nobody internally wants.
Please join us in welcoming him to our regional hub in Singapore. Here’s a photo of him attempting to look suave, but he actually looks like he’s in pain
